Refuse to Choose

I finally finished reading Barbara Sher's Refuse to Choose. It's interesting. I really wanted to finish reading it before I said anything about it in "print" so that I didn't say a bunch of glowing words about something that ended up being a bunch of bull. It's not even that I'm that skeptical about this book specifically, I guess I'm just skeptical about any kind of "magic pill" sort of thing. I guess living in a society that preys on the naive will do that to you. So even though there're no promises made in the book it has a lot of feel good, be happy vibe to it, which is one of those things that the dual puritan/liberal culture of Massachusetts struggles with, as though being happy in itself is a sin, but oh what a good sin ;-)

Life shouldn't be all serious, or what's the point in living. And she does point out that you don't have to try to make a career out of things that you love. She talks about the "Good Enough" job that basically pays the bills. But the "Good Enough" job can't be too taxing or it takes away valuable time and energy from the things you really do love and want to do. There are different tips in each chapter about how to get the most out of your "scanner" personality (is it my hatred for pigeon-holing people that makes me resistant to this?) by using various techniques to keep track of them, feel a sense of accomplishment, and generally get the most doing for your time so you aren't wasting too much in wheel-spinning mode. Those are all probably useful things for most people, not just scanners, but especially scanners.

But why should I (or anyone else) limit myself to the good enough job? Why should I keep doing what I'm doing, just because it's the only thing I've ever done? I've been very sensible with my life up to this point, and I'm not feeling very sensible anymore. I'm feeling kind of bent out of shape. It's like being on a diet for too long and then bingeing on every chocolate confection you can get your hands on (not that I would know anything about that!). If I don't follow my dreams now, when will I ever? And why do I have to set aside all other pursuits for a career that is slowly killing me, maybe not physically, but psychologically by sucking all of the joy out of my life until I no longer have the will to live. If I convince myself that is the only life there is then what's the point in living? Why should I go into work everyday surrounded by unhappy people, who don't believe in what they are doing outside of the necessity for paying the mortgage. Or for buying new toys. He who dies with the most toys is still dead, and whether or not you believe in an afterlife, there's still no way around the dead thing. If there is Judeo-Christian-Muslim god, then I'm sure the afterlife will have everything you desire. And does all that crap really make you happy? Or does it just put you further into debt so you're stressing out about paying your bills and thus stressing about working?

Here's what I want out of life:

• financial stability


• a sense of adventure


• lots of opportunities to learn new things (but not necessarily have to use them!)


• lots of travel and exploration


• following my conscience


• supporting and promoting the arts


• math :)


• good food and cooking


• working with my hands to create things


• ... and more that I'm probably just not thinking of right now...

A friend of mine who loves the Franklin-Covey system suggested that I use the things that I want (like being able to spend time with my String Bean) as a source of motivation for doing my current job, but I'm so far beyond that now. My current plan is to enroll in a math class at one of the local colleges or universities each semester until I can decide if and where I want to do my PhD. I figure that the professors at Hood didn't seem to care for me that much because I did my foundation courses at WPI, so I started with 300 and 400 level classes rather than getting vetted through their curricula. I guess maybe I had attitude? Being at Massacademy with all those competitive boys did not exactly prepare me for life at a liberal arts women's college. But at the same time I'm glad I went there for the sake of my social development. I think it taught me a lot about being kind, being a bitch, and knowing how to tell the difference ;-) Anyway I don't think that I want to rely on the Math Department at Hood to give me recommendations. The CS profs, maybe, but then, that's not exactly what I want to be doing... So by taking classes at various local universities I'll get to meet some of the faculty, perhaps cultivate some networking connections and get some references. That way I'll have something when it comes time to fill out the applications. And if I decide that the academic community is not for me, I've only wasted several hundred dollars and a few semesters rather than several thousand over several years. And I know I'll never starve, because I am the budget queen. My frugality is known across the lands! (sometimes as miserliness by certain of my family members ;-)